the thirteen-year-old kandis.

dramatic, cocky, boy crazy.
this was me in jr. high.
as i said a couple posts ago, paige and i found my jr. high journal earlier this week. it starts out with this page, naming all my friends in my first entry:

as you can see, i was very popular.

i talked about my friends, both the fun things we did and all of the drama. i also wrote a lot about my family and sports of course. i constantly talked about boys. although there were a couple boys i liked consistently, i usually liked five guys at a time. and i'd also write about allll the guys who liked me. i was definitely the shiz. i wrote about a lot of pointless things that apparently were important to me at the time. i also guess i didn't learn  how to spell "tomorrow" for a while. when paige and i read, we would read in valley-girl accents, because that seemed pretty fitting. now...this is a big deal, i'm putting myself in a very vulnerable position. i'm sharing with you my journal.

here are a few typical entries:

03/03/05!!!!! :)
Thursday. Today was a poopy day. Last weekend Sam was totally convinced that I like Mason (which I don't) bcuz I sat by him and was talking to him at lunch. Sam still kinda thinks I do so I can't talk to Mason too much or anything. Today @ the wrestling match Sam was sitting by Bethany & kept talking to some cheerleaders so I sat down by Mason (to make Sam mad...what? him & Bethany have been flirting all week I'm sick of it!!) Then Beth said something about it (me sitting by Mason) so I went and sat by Becca. Then Sam and Bethany went off & Sam told her a "secret". Nobody can know about it until Monday. Justin also heard the secret. Him & Mason noticed something was wrong with me so they came & talked to me but Justin wouldn't tell me the secret. I went & got Madi & Sarah - who were sitting w/JaNae & I told them what was going on. I was so mad I was shaking but I calmed down after talking to them. Then I sat by Madi, JaNae, & Sarah & some of my friends would come over and make me feel better. I just want everything to be okay. I love all my friends so much they are my life I don't know what I would do if something happened.
love, me


Tuesday May 31st 2005!!!!
TWO MORE FREAKING DAYS OF SCHOOL LEFT!! HECK YEAH!! Today at school I got to help decorate for the 9th grader's dance. After school me, madi, & Laci walked to the elementary school to see Mrs. Daines & then me & Kason hung out at the Wilcox's but not for very long. Later i had a flute solo recital (my last one ever!) & Mom & Dad came then I got home, ate, talked on the phone w/paige, showered, & burnt a mised CD called "7th grade ~ that's hot!" i'm so happy this week will be so fun! Today was locker cleanout so we don't need to bring anything to school anymore & we're pretty much done with all our schoolwork. Everything's going wonderful! I mean if  I want something to totally depress me, I can think about my parents, but I'm trying not to let that ruin my last week of school. Oh yeah, I'm not doing soccer anymore. I'm kind of sad but oh well! Move on! Everything w/my friends is doing pretty well. Oh my heck I freaking love Preston!! Last Thurs he pretty much invited me to a baseball game he had today (I couldn't go cuz of that dumb band thing). He won't tell anyone if he likes me or not but I think (& hope) he does! He does act like it. He's so hotttttttttt! I like how it is right now how we're not going out & I'm not sure if he likes me. For some reason, it makes it even cuter when he does act like he likes me. I hope I still hang out with him (& everyone else) a lot during the summer. Well..I think I might also kind of like Sam. I REALLY don't want to though. Oh well it doesn't matter cuz i like Preston tonz!! Wow! I can't believe only 2 days are left of school. I'm a little sad but I'm way excited! Haha just think a year ago I was bawling over leaving 6th grade. It seems like just yesterday I was starting 7th grade & didn't know more than half the good friends I have now!
love, kandis


August 14, 2005- Sunday
Last weekend our ward had youth conference. Friday night we went out to Kaysville for a fireside and faith walk and then we had a testimony meeting around the campfire and then we had s'mores. While the speaker was speaking I looked over at Ty Beckstrand & he looked at me & winked! Ahh it was so hot i thought i was gonna die! Saturday we went boating it was way fun then that night me & my friends played nightgames at Sam's house i had fun. Sam & Carlee like each other & i don't know how i feel about it. i'm trying to be happy for them but i can't help being jealous of any girl he likes. oh well, it's something i have to deal with. i was on the phone like all day - talking to Madi & Paige & Sarah & texting Bria. On Thursday we're leaving for Lake Powell. me, my dad, kason, kody, matt, hannah, and beau's family are coming. we'll get back tuesday and school starts the next day. im pretty much ready for school i just need to get stuff for my locker which i'll do tomarrow. im also getting my hair done tomarrow im so excited!! it's so long now but im gonna get it cut & layered & colored. i'm playing soccer again. im on a AA team called mischief. it's kinda weird going from AAA to AA but it's better than nothing. i still like Preston but i'm starting to feel more comfortable around him. i'm also starting to like Mike. it's one of those things that i don't want to happen but i can't help it! My parents are going to get a divorce. They've tried to work it out but there's nothing else anyone can do about it. My mom feels that the marriage isn't right any more. she wishes she felt different & i do too. i hate that it has to end i don't want it to.
i don't want summer to be over!


Wednesday Nov 23rd
Last Wednesday was a school dance! i asked Preston to dance! yay! we were dancing pretty close. i also danced with Miles, Casey, & Tyson. When me & Ty were dancing my chin was resting on his shoulder. Friday me & Madi had a sleepover. Saturday i hung out w/Annabelle during the day & that night all the girls went to Bethany's b-day party & we had so much fun! No drama! Paige has been in Cali since Saturday. We didn't have school today or tomorrow or friday cuz of thanksgiving break. Last night me, Beth, Sam, Connor, Mason, Isaac, Taylor, & this skanky girl named ****** hung out in Mason's neighborhood. Mason told us he finally found out who Preston likes. After a while he told us that Preston likes a lot of people but the main one is ME! at first i kinda had mixed feelings. i thought it might have jst been a set up but i don't think the guys would do that to me. then i thought "oh man, he likes a lot of people." But then I realized: Hey so do i!!! Connor was so sweet he was like "guys just tell her, it will make her happy." i love that kid so much he's awesome! after hanging out with everyone last night, me and bethany had a sleepover at her house. i'm starting to like Mike again. i wanna know who he likes so bad. i want him to be able to trust me with that. tyson thinks i don't like him at all. oh i do. he's been mean to becca & bethany for no reason & it's just weird cuz Tyson's not like that. Tomorrow's thanksgiving but we had our thanksgiving dinner tonight cuz tomorrow we will be leaving to St. George. We're going for Kason's soccer tournament we'll come home sunday.  Dad had dinner w/us & he's coming with us to St. george. he's driving with us & everything. we are like actually going on a family vacation. im just praying that this weekend won't be hell. oh & i <3 Mark Hoppus (Blink 182 Bass & Vocals)


well i realize that in all honesty, those journal entries won't mean anything to anyone unless you're in them or you know the people in them pretty well, but to me they are hilarious! i was so crazy about preston and so infatuated with so many boys at a time! and just the way i write things, jumping from topic to topic, i sound psycho. but i do need to stop making fun of myself for just a few minutes to say a few things on a serious note. not only did i love reading all this because my ridiculous peppy-ness is entertaining, but this was a very hard time for my family and i, and it's really cool to be able to see how far we've come. i think my parents' divorce has in a way strengthened every person as an individual in my family, and has strengthened all of our personal relationships with each other. i struggled a lot during that time and these journal entries just go to show things do get better. as crazy as i may have been back then, i am proud of my 13-year-old self and how i reacted to my time of opposition. as hard as these changes in my life were, i was very strong through it all. i wish i was as optimistic and bright through scary changes as i used to be. the nineteen-year-old kandis should definitely look to thirteen-year-old kandis as an example.

another thing. i meant it when i said my friends were the world to me. they really were. at the time i knew that my friends were a blessing to me, but looking back on it all i know with even more of a surety that every single one of the friends i mentioned were in my life at that specific time to be there for me and lift me up through those hard times. pretty much all of them i'm still close or distant friends with. some of them are still my best friends even after seven years. i don't think any of them would ever be able to realize the impact they had on my life then, how lasting that impact was, and how much they will always mean to me because of it.

well uhh...i don't have any dramatic words to close this post with so...bye.

-kandi