there's a fire in your heart

i dunno about you guys, but sometimes it's a little awkward between me and my hair lady. [hair lady = lady who cuts and colors my hair, she's done my hair for me since..i think jr high.] don't get me wrong, i really like hair lady! it's just that sometimes i'm there getting my hair done for kind of a long time and we don't really know what to talk about, and we don't click super well like some people just do. i think i can be a pretty outgoing person, but i also know i can be a pretty bashful person. and sometimes i'm neither of those things but just calm and quiet and content with not talking. so we'll have some small talk and then the conversation will kinda fade, then i'll be sitting in the chair for a while pretty quiet while she's working on my head. then i'll glance up at the mirror and we'll meet eyes and i'll shyly look down, and realize that maybe this is a little awkward. and then one of us will make little attempts at feeble conversation and the same cycle will happen again. but this is the conversation we had that was really awkward, but besides that made me super sad.

hair lady: "so kandis, are you dating anyone?"
me (still looking down): no.
silence.
me: "so what grade are your kids going into again?"
hair lady: "i have just one son, he'll be in fourth grade."
me: "doesn't your husband have a little girl also?"
[i could feel this was the wrong thing to say as i was saying it. word vomit.]
hair lady: "oh, we got a divorce."
me: "i'm so sorry, i didn't know.."
hair lady: "it's okay, not a lot of people do. but yeah he has a daughter and she'll be in third grade."

this conversation made me really sad because i know how hard divorce is, and i really like my hair lady, and i wouldn't wish a divorce on anybody i like. i wouldn't wish it on anybody i don't like, for that matter. anyway, it was an awkward conversation, but also kind of broke the ice. i gave her some sincere compliments throughout the rest of my appointment, because a divorce is hard on your self-esteem, and she beamed at me. everything i said though was absolutely true. i dunno, i feel like we kind of bonded in a way.

do you ever look at the final product of your hair and hate it but you're like, "looks good thanks!" with a fake smile? that's basically what happens every time i get my hair done. maybe it isn't that i hate it, but i am not really sure yet what i think about it, but i certainly don't like it. not right off the bat anyway, just cuz it's different. it always grows on me though because my hair lady always does a great job.

anyway.
i'm afraid of being depressed. and sometimes if something is going on that i know has the potential to make me sad, i don't think about it. i mean, of course i acknowledge that it's happening, but the thing about being a girl is that we have the tendency to become obsessive in our thoughts. when i become obsessive in my thoughts, i think i can create a world of sadness that doesn't even need to exist. so i just become a blank slate. okay, no i don't, that is impossible. but i try to fill my slate with nothing other than things that will stir a positive set of emotions in me. sometimes i'm really bad at this and i just totally fall apart instead. the past few weeks though, i've been pro at this whole manipulating-my-emotions thing. does any of this even make sense?

some songs that have been mild obsessions of mine as of late:
are playing on the bottom bar because i haven't figured out how to just put a playlist in a blog post yet...
mmk.

so this last weekend i spent in elko, nevada, at my sister's house. my family drives me absolutely crazy, but i love them more than anything in the world. they are proof that those you love most have the capacity of hurting you the most. i say this because my brothers and i banter a lot, but we often go too far and hurt each other. it sucks, but we'll grow up someday. hopefully sooner rather than later. anyway, my family drives me absolutely crazy but i love them more than anything in this world. my siblings are my best friends, even kourtney and her husband, who are eleven years older than me and live four hours away. i can count on two, sometimes one, hand how many times i see them a year. but a lot of the times a relationship isn't about how often you are able to see someone, and this is one of those instances.

have i mentioned on my blog that i have the best parents ever? if i haven't, how rude of me. i have the best parents ever. my dad is so full of love and pride for his children that you can sometimes feel it radiating from him. he has been my main man all these years, and how lucky i am for that. my mom rocks also. i got home this weekend and she had bought me a bunch of stickers to use on letters to send my missionary friends! some of them were florida stickers because that's where my best friend is going soon! how cute is that? thanks mom, you have no idea how much that meant to me.

anyway, it doesn't seem real to me that kourt is pregnant. even with her ever growing belly and the piles of baby stuff in the extra bedroom, it's surreal that there's going to be another little human amongst us soon. there are only moments it truly hits me, like when kourt and i are talking about details of the nursery and her shower and then after a few minutes of silence it all sinks in, or when i see my badass brother-in-law go all soft when he rubs his wife's stomach and talks to his baby. one thing's for sure, this kid has some great parents. and another thing is for sure, nothing is ever going to be the same for our family again. i can't wait.

i don't know if any of you have driven the stretch of I-80 from utah to nevada, but there's a lot of nothing. you are surrounded part of the time by the great salt lake, and part of the time by salt flats and desert. it's pretty monotonous, but in a way, beautiful. last night we were driving home in a rain and lightening storm. it was super dark, but every 10-30 seconds, a single bolt of lightening would strike so intense that it would light up the area. it was so incredible that i wanted to laugh out loud.

some more good news is that i have a new krew in bountiful that i absolutely love. they luv 2 sk8 n' tweet. unfortunately, they like to tweet a little too much. all weekend they were tweetin at each other that they were together, and it made me feel a little jealous and left out. but all is well, i'm home now.

oh, my cousin drew is engaged!!!!!!!! this makes me so happy that i want to cry when i think about it. him and rachel met at bear lake years ago. rachel came as a friend with one of our cousins, and i remember her and drew hitting it off and spending lots of time together. well, since he's been home from his mission, they've dated off and on and he's always wanted to marry her. and the timing is finally right! she is such a sweetheart and i'm so excited to be able to officially call her my cousin! and i am so happy for them, they deserve each other.

i have some more literature for you:
speaking on the fourth chapter of genesis.
"The American Standard translation orders men to triumph over sin, and you can call sin ignorance. The King James translation makes a promise in 'Thou shalt,' meaning that men will surely triumph over sin. But the Hebrew word, the word timshel---'Thou mayest'---that gives a choice. It might be the most important word in the world. That says the way is open. That throws it right back on a man. For if 'Thou mayest'---it is also true that 'Thou mayest not.'
Why, that makes a man great, that gives him stature with the gods, for in his weakness and his filth and his murder of his brother he has still the great choice. He can choose his course and fight it through and win...
I take my two pipes in the afternoon, no more and no less, like the elders. And I feel that I am a man. And I feel that a man is a very important thing---maybe more important than a star. This is not theology. I have no bent toward gods. But I have a new love for that glittering instrument, the human soul. It is a lovely and unique thing in the universe. It is always attacked and never destroyed---because 'Thou mayest.'"
-Lee from East of Eden by John Steinbeck

k that's all for now.
-kandi